There are times when I want to just unload in a post, but I hold back. I write a fun, uplifting craft blog. I write recipes, take pretty pictures, do things to try to make people smile. Because I need it sometimes to keep smiling. But it just doesn’t feel honest all of the time.
So today, I am taking a break from my regular posting. Today I want to talk about ME. Because I think a lot of you might be thinking the same thing, and I don’t want to pretend we arent as important as pretty pictures or coordinated tablescapes or polished, organized living rooms. We here in blogland spend so much time obsessing over perfect. But what really IS perfect?
I was sitting, folding an endless pile of laundry yesterday, when my hubby’s gift for me arrived. I know he bought me a kindle fire, and I am pretty excited to get it on Christmas day… but I kept thinking “what I REALLY want for Christmas is a day“. One day. To myself. I like to imagine checking in to the Four Seasons, tossing on a comfy robe, snuggling up under the covers, and doing absolutely nothing. It sounds amazing.
Then the four seconds of silence I had while daydreaming breaks.
The baby wakes up from her nap, crying. Little man is hollering for more milk, for me to put on a movie, or because the dog looked at him funny.
Someone is ringing the doorbell, which gets everyone riled up (do they not see the “BABY SLEEPING” sign?? Can I disconnect a doorbell on my own??). Tears, screams, tantrums ensue. And the kids are pretty grumpy, too.
In that moment, I resent them. I curse under my breath at them, at hubby who gets to take a lovely daily vacation to his office, at the damn dog who escalates everything, at our house for being poorly laid out, at the person who left a rude comment on facebook, at the blogger who got a fancy gig I wanted, at the woman whose business is doing better than mine, at the commentator on the news who is obviously an idiot… pretty much everyone.
And then, I get really mad, and I curse at myself.
Why don’t you have energy? Why can’t you do anything right? Why do you continue to ignore your health and eat crappy food? Why aren’t you working out or trying to lose weight? Why don’t you realize your kids just want to love you? Why don’t you appreciate what you have more? Why are you depressed when other people have actual problems? HOW CAN YOU RESENT YOUR BABIES? How can you get angry at those precious little miracles who just want your attention and love? I hit rock bottom. It’s a daily (sometimes hourly) occurrence. I resent everything in my life that I love… that I value… that I would give up everything I want or hope for just to have.
I know if those screams weren’t there- if I had no little ones tugging on my shirt, or husband walking through the door late- I wouldn’t be able to tolerate the silence that I wish for now.
And in that moment it hits me. What I really want for Christmas is a better attitude. More understanding. More patience. A forgiving heart. The ability to remember that I don’t want my prayers for silence answered… that I want these little ones around. I want to hear them crying for me because it means they need me, they love me, and they are here. That I am thankful my hubby has a job, even when it means he sometimes works late, has to work at home, or needs to decompress after a long day just like I do. I want to be able to not beat myself up when chores don’t get done. When I am slow at responding to emails. I want to be able to forgive myself for admitting I need a break every now and then, and I want to be able to know that that doesn’t make me a bad mom. I want to be happy for other bloggers when they get an awesome gig knowing they will rock it, and make companies realize it is time to invest more in us and I will be able to get some kind of cool gig out of it. I want to know that I might have let too many project fall aside, but I did what I could and be OK with it.
So what do I really want for Christmas this year?
I want to stop worrying about my faults, about my shortcomings, about the messy house, cranky kids and boring meals I somehow manage to get on the table.
I want to stop wishing I was perfect. I want to realize that to the people I love, I already am perfect. I am their mommy, their wife, their daughter, their friend. And that is all I really need to be.
What are you wishing for this year? What gift would you give yourself?