Picture of my kids and one of our bathtime "disagreements". Please do not remove watermark... I just have to share an ACUTAL representation of my life!
As a blogger, I read a lot of blogs, and am on Facebook a lot to promote my work. I love to see how other moms are spending their days as a way to find people facing the same things I do from day to day. But there is one big thing a lot of people don't talk about.
They talk about their perfect decor, the fabulous developmental activities for kids, how perfect their hair looks, or how beautiful their cookies are. They show smiling faces, never have clutter in the background, and are seemingly perfect at... EVERYTHING.
Oh, and their kids are angels, they sit down for dinner, are doing long division in preschool and wear perfectly pressed outfits because they are the BEST. MOTHERS. EVER.
I'm not.
If I've ever given you that impression, I am very sorry.
The truth is, I love my family, I love that I can be home with my kids and help them grow, because I am truly blessed to be in a position to do so when not every mom can- and I don't really know that being a stay at home mom is really meeting my best potential or that frankly, I am any good at it. I have often thought that the thing I yearned for (having children), dreamed about, and frankly always wanted (even more than being married), I am absolutely not built for. I manage, my kids are happy, healthy, thriving and I couldn't possibly love them more or want to be around them more- but I don't think it comes naturally for me.
I yell, I cry, I lose my temper, I sit them in front of the tv more than I should, I don't feel like I absorb any information I read about child development in a way that I could put into practical use, I struggle with finding a parenting/discipline style that works well for my kids, and I am even worse as a homemaker, and frankly... I just care way too much about my damn self.
For me, at-home motherhood is a weird cycle.
I love my kids more than anything in the world. I stop breathing just at the thought of something happening to them. The (very few) times I am away from them, I miss them like crazy. I want to know what they are doing. I want to know they are ok. I know that my son is really hard to understand but I know his "language" and worry he's unable to communicate without me. I know my daughter is a complete mommy's girl and I worry she is sad not being by my side. I know they are fine (especially since their only babysitters are ever my parents or my inlaws, who my kids love so much they often cry for them and want to be with them nonstop). But **I** am attached to them.
I would never, ever chose anything than to be with them. Not that going back to work isn't a valid option for many women (and one I dream about more than I care to admit)- I just can't do it. I had actually planned on returning to work my entire pregnancy. I never, ever thought I would be a stay at home mom. I always thought I would continue to work in politics, and make my way to working in the white house someday.
Except, two weeks before I was supposed to go back to work from maternity leave, I couldn't.
I couldn't leave my baby boy with anyone else. Not only did I think he would be missing the love and support from his mom, but I felt I'd be missing a huge part of my heart. Add another baby to the mix and I feel the same way 100 times over.
And I still feel that way- even as he is in preschool (which he love, love, loves and his teachers are the sweetest, most loving women I've met...) I miss him and wish I was with him.
BUT
(and it's a big but...)
I also really struggle with being a stay at home mom. I am sure 90% of moms don't feel like a great mother 100% of the time (or heck, even 50% of the time) but I do wish we'd talk more about it.
It has nothing to do with our kids- whom we love unfailingly- but more with balancing our own expectations and remembering most of what we see from other moms is the "pretty" picture they want us to see. Not the piles of laundry in the corner, timeouts after timeouts, toy avalanches, and to-do lists that go completely ignored for months and years on end so that our kids constantly feel loved and cared for. Yea- my "real picture" is kind of a sh*tstorm.
My blog has helped because it has allowed me to combine my hobby interests (which every mom needs to have and set aside time for) with my interest in contributing to our family's finances as well as build my own business. People often ask me how I do it all, and I tell them I don't. Really- I don't.
There are piles of laundry sitting to be done. My loft/craft room is horrifying. It literally gives my husband and I nightmares. We're slowly decorating our home (only, you know, after 4 ½ years of living in it) but it feels like everything takes forever (because when you get pregnant basically on your honeymoon and your hubby JUST moved in, it kind of kills your energy).
Seriously people- we JUST go our downstairs to a point of not looking like a frat house. Our upstairs is about 70% de-frat-ized. But I keep up with my blog because it is keeping me sane and actually nourishing the part of me that has been left in the cold- the part that wants to contribute, work at something that I can see tangible results from, and build a business.
Most people who see me in real life know that I tend to be a hot mess. Aside from struggling to find a good solution to some horrible pain from recently discovered (but long suffered) Rheumatoid/Spondylitic Arthritis, I just have a hard time holding my family together well. We stay home a lot, we always seem to be running late, we cancel on things often, and get sick just about every other day. It takes me about 4 ½ hours to do something that should take five minutes. Everytime I sit down to post/paint/glue/cook/type- there's a poopy diaper. There's a fight over a toy neither kid actually wants but only wants because the other has it. There's a need to sit on my lap, pounding on the keyboard as I type. There is a kid forcing my laptop shut... nonstop. And there is not enough medicine or booze in the world or hours to sleep at night to stop the headache of it all.
It's getting better as my kids get older, but man- it is tough, and I want everyone to know I am flouncing. Because I am pretty sure there are a ton of other mothers out there who feel like they are the only ones feeling this way..... but.... WE AREN'T. Say that again with me, we aren't alone.
Being a mom is awesome. It's also incredibly difficult (whether you stay at home, work away from home, or work at home. They are all hard, all amazing, and all exhausting). And I hope it's ok that I shared my frustrations with you, and that you share some of yours so we can all commiserate together!
My hubby and I have had some long talks, and given how horrible my health is lately, its probably time to get someone a few hours a week to help while I work from home to try to find some kind of balance. We've come to really rely on the income my blog and web design has provided to save and get out of debt, and it seems like a perfect mix since I WANT to be with my kids, but I simply cannot do it all.
jennielynn
YES. I read so many blog posts about women who are struggling with this. I'm in the thick of it too, and now watching my infant niece several days a week, exhausted, house a disaster. BUT! I get to watch my nineteen year old daughter on stage or the younger kids (7&9) set a personal best time during a swim meet and I remember it is ALL WORTH IT. Hang tight, fight the good fight and remember that your kids don't care about dishes being done, laundry that gets worn before it gets folded or a sandwich made from homemade bread, freshly ground peanut butter and artisinal jam.
rhoniann
There is no way to do it all, fake the small stuff. I've been know to run the dish washer twice because I was to tired to rinse plates or chocolate milk in the bottom of cups from 10 hours earlier. Sometimes clothes got washed twice because they had been left in the washer a couple of days, and the dryer is an iron -- right?! Because no matter how loud the dryer buzzes it can not be loud enough to be heard over screaming children. I was a working mom for years stayed home for four with my youngest, just in time to become a single mom for eight years. During those eight years I raised three boys 10, 8 & 5 plus a Scottish terrier. I worked full time and had a second job every other weekend, I would get home in time to throw a waiting kid or two in the car to make it just in time for practice of one sport or the other, we often ate late and in the car, home work was done on the way to school more than once, and once a month I was at the ER with one of them - not really once a month but it felt like is sometimes. There where times when someone was waiting on me with a coach more than once because no one had practiced on the same fields or even the same side of town. There where days when I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing but knew I had no choice but to keep putting one foot in front of the other. My Mom time was every other weekend when the boys were at their fathers, even with a second job I had me time, after two weeks of laundry and bed sheets where washed, I'd fill the dogs bowl with plenty of water and food give him extra treats and go to a friend's, ride horses, out with friends or to the lake. I learnt how to change my own oil (all over again) to save money, I had to learn how to fix things around the house (with advise from my dad or my uncle's). I yelled and screamed and fought with my boys. I was the loudest cheerleader they had, usually to their embarrassment, I was their worst enemy and best friend. Only by the grace of God 'they' survivied my trip through motherhood. It wasn't always pretty or fun but it was always rewarding. Today I have three grown men, one a former Aireman, one a single father and one in college. Now days I get to spoil my grandson an I often hear his father or a uncle say, 'we would have been in trouble for that', truer words where never spoken. Lol ... Now days I get to stay at home putting my remodeling skills to work on the farm I share with the man that stepped into my life when I was a teenager and again eight years ago, who loves my boys almost as much as I do; and I his girls, son in-laws and grandkids. So when you are ready to pull out your hair or maybe thinking your ready for a rubber room, just know motherhood is not for sissies, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger and one day they will move out!!! Good Luck ladies!
Andi
I found your blog through a pin someone shared on Pinterest and I just have to ask. . . .Where've you been all my life? 😉 I too am a mother who loves her kids but doesn't love Motherhood. This post spoke to me in ways that made me want to cry because, FINALLY, somebody gets it! I'm not alone in this insane journey. I recently started my own blog to express my thoughts on what it's like to be a Mommy who doesn't always want to be one. . . .I've seen so many news reports of Mom's trying to or actually killing themselves and their children and I just want to scream! We aren't capable of being perfect and putting that much pressure on yourself just isn't worth it. I want other Mom's to know that there are others out there who struggle and that it's okay. I think my favorite part of this post was when you said "I think the thing I yearned most for, I am not built for". I understand that sentiment 100% and have said as much to my friends and family. It is so nice to find someone else who understands where I'm at and is willing to say so!
Beth Jenkins Sowell
How absolutely refreshing! I guess i read this blog post at the exact right time in my life. Honestly, especially after the ongoing Mother's Day posts on Facebook this past weekend. Yes I love my son, more than anything else in the world, but I admit that being a parent wasn't anything like what I thought it would be. It's so much harder, less rewarding and utterly exhausting than I ever imagined and my son is 9 years old now. I thought it would be easier as he got older, but you only give up diapers and whining in exchange for "arguing and knowing everything" and fighting over getting homework done, etc.
And most of the time I feel like an utter failure, especially when I have to say, "your shoes and backpack do NOT belong in the foyer floor" every. single. day. We should probably form a support group of Mother's who don't think life is all perfect and give each other a chance to be completely honest about it's challenges so that we can support and learn from each other. I have that plethora of friends who seem to have PERFECT children and PERFECT homes and PERFECT lives as well. I don't even pretend mine is perfect, I know I'd be lying.
I wouldn't choose any other kid or any other life, I love my son, but it's not candy-coated and diamond encrusted. 🙂 Thanks for being honest and please don't feel alone out there.
Melissa Newton
Made my day! Thanks for the laugh! We are 10 yrs into our home and still don't have all the remodeling done. But I love all the time I get to invest in my girl. Thanks for keeping it real!
Kristi Hutchison
This is sooo true. It made me laugh out loud several times. I had to stop reading it twice to play referee. I have chronic migraines and somedays wonder if the piles of laundry will actually start to come up the stairs to take over. However, the kids would probably start a fight with them too. Thank you for this article.
Lisa
Thank You for this !! I appreciate your honesty and you brightened my day 🙂
Nikki
Just stumbled across this post, and, though I'm usually a lurker on blogs, I just had to post to say Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this!!
Tanya
Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this with the world to read. Reading the things I do on FB and on pinterest I feel like I am the only mom out there who doesn't have it all together. I am a mother of two teenaged boys. One is 16 going on 45 and the other is 14 going on 21. There are days where I can release a BIG sigh of contentment because all is well in our house. Then there are other days...well, what can I say about those? I lose my temper at times and then realize this is not how I want my boys to remember me by. We do try to live the life motto "never go to bed angry". This does help. I make sure to tell them sorry for my actions/words. I tell them I love them often. I ask them to show me grace as I make mistakes because after all, we are only human. To sum it all up, I am blessed. I am a Mother. I wear this badge with honor and I wouldn't want it any other way 🙂 It does help to know I am not the only one in this strange, twilight-like zone, spectrum of my life.
Susie
THANK YOU for being so honest. I had a son - now 22 and 12 months later had twin daughters - now 21. I beat myself up emotionally -still do- for thinking that I didn't give my kids all that I could have. I felt I couldn't give enough one on one time to each of them. I felt I cheated my first born out of his quality time because the girls came unexpectedly too soon. There was never enough hours in a day to play and share and teach. I thanked god every day for my mom and dad and grandma that spent countless hours loving and teaching my kids when I was too tired or upset . My husband worked odd hours so I could stay at home until they were in kindergarten. I wouldn't have changed that for anything. It was the toughest job I've ever had! Good or bad it was the best too!!
I love my kids more than life! I knew I wasn't a June Cleaver , but I still feel like I fell short on being a good mom. I had those days I wanted to throw in the towel. I yelled and cried. I felt bad afterwards. I apologized to my kids and husband for not being a good mom. AND I held it all in because I didn't want outsiders to know how I felt. All the other moms seemed to know what they were doing, and I hated that!!
Many parents want to be "Best Friends" with their kids and provide them with anything they want. That is the worst thing you can do.. they need guidance and discipline. Being friends comes with them being adults when they can understand and appreciate how we raised them.
Looking back , to give a pat on the back to all of you mother's that think you are crazy and doubt your parenting skills and self worth... You ARE doing a great job.! you are giving of yourself to love unconditionally to someone who thinks you are the world!!! Don't doubt what you can't do. Trust that what you Are doing is the best you can do and it's worth it!!!
I know despite the chaos, we made it thru. My kids are loving beautiful caring adults.
TiffanyS
I was so sick of all that perfection on Pinterest, which of course is always captured with great photography skills, mind you! So thank you for the reality post. Everyone always forgets to mention when their 4yr old begins the "I don't love you" phase, which is not awesome but awesomely painful. =)
crochetqueen228
My kids are now grown but I so clearly remember the " I don't love you" phase. And the " I love Daddy more than you" . These are such painful things to hear but they are not really true as I'm sure you know. As you give them more words and better understanding of their emotions they will hopefully express their anger and frustration better. I am still very close to both my children and they say " I live you" often to me. Sorry, just a long winded way of saying I read your comment and felt your pain. Hang in there. Sending a big hug to you.
rhoniann
My Mom raised my niece, and she would often tell my mom "I hate you" and my mom in her soft voice would say,"I love you but I do not like you very much right now".
Jenn @buildingmommymuscles.com
Being a mom is seriously hard business. Last week my toddlers threw up all over me within an hour of each other!!!
Ria
God bless you! Thank you thank you thank you!
Samantha T
Oh, I LOVED this! Most days are just days, but some day I feel like I'm failing my kids, and some days I feel like I was a really good mom that day...but most days are folding laundry, snuggling kids, loving it and feeling overwhelmed by it. What an honest, beautiful, and hilarious post on motherhood.
chrisjim3
Thank you for this blog, it's so true all of this!!!! We're always trying to be super moms, we need to remember that we're all just human being and it's normal to make mistakes sometimes!!!!
ange7t7
I can't even begin to explain how much if this rang true, it's like you were watching my life and reading my mind and writing down all the things I was thinking but didn't know how to say out loud. I'm so glad I stumbled apon your post. I now a new fan and I am looking forward to reading more.
Jess P
Courtney, thank you so much for posting this. I am not a mom (yet!!!) and flip-flop between wanting to be a SAHM or working mom. Either way, I'm sure it will be a easy/tough decision when the time comes. Anyway, I just wanted to say that after spending some time on Pinterest and in the blogging world, this is extremely refreshing! No one shows the imperfect parts of their lives (myself included) very often, and after being bombarded with "perfection 24/7" it's such a relief to know that there are other women out there (mom's and future-mom's) that get overwhelmed, frustrated, and behind on their To Do's. Again, THANK YOU!